12.9.07

I don't want the world to see me. I don't think that they'd understand.

Ever wonder what those words mean? Maybe literature class has done me a smidgen of good this semester. But, a smidgen is about its extent. But, the bit it has done me just taught me that people see things differently; every pair of eyes seeks to find different things in life. If you look for darkness, you will certainly find it. If you look for light, if you look hard enough, there is plenty of it to go around. Life comes at you fast. I am learning, you just have to go with it. There are situations, people, the weather, and so many other things that I can't control. So, why would I waste my energy, my time, my thoughts to try and do just that? This is one things where attempting the impossible will always end with the same broken answer.

So amidst all those things we can't control, why do we, as humans, seek to appear someone we really are not? By being different, the world wouldn't understand? So, hiding behind a mask is obviously the correct answer, right? I mean, if you have a disability the only good option you have is to stay inside your whole life, or if you have a lisp, you should obviously never speak, right? Or how about different ideas? You should definitely keep those to yourself, locking yourself along with your different ideas in a closet would definitely benefit the world.

Here's what gets me. The world wants different. The world produces fashion that no one in their right mind would really wear off the catwalk. The politicians that are elected into office are elected because they promise to change something the previous politician changed to the discontent of the people. A democrat's policies or promises or actions don't please us? Let's elect a republican. This life is a balancing act; going from one extreme to the other. The middle is where compromise finally creates the peace that both sides desire.

So, if it is the different ideas that shape the world we live in today, why is it the different kids that are always bullied? Or the ones that dress differently ridiculed? Or the ones that think at a different speed mocked? Isn't different what makes the world go round? It's why people travel; to see and experience something different.

I don't like the fact that if I think differently, speak differently, dress differently, worship differently, believe differently, or live differently that I have to wear a mask in order to be heard. I have to pretend like I am a really strong person with a perfect life in order to be seen. The fact that I have weaknesses lessens my impact on society, so the less flaws I show the better off I am. right? that's the message that the media and the world surrounding me has always told me. My family should be an exact replica of the Cleaver family. No. That is exactly what I don't want, a perfect life. Why would I? What would be the point?

So, here is me, Chelsea, thinking that I am tired of having to deal and figure out people because they are pretending to be someone that they are not. I have flaws, I am flawed, I am a normal human, teenage girl, just like the rest of the population. I have problems and I fight with my parents and friends occasionally. I skip homework assignments or don't do everything to the best of my ability everyday. I try. I am trying. I will keep trying. But, maybe some softened hearts would make life easier, more open, less complicated, more enjoyable, just like it was created to be.

But, everything is meant to be broken.

It is. especially hearts. Maybe a broken heart, broken for what breaks the Lord's would be an excellent place to start reconstruction. My thoughts are safe there. My tears are safe there. The differences are safe there. My weakness and insecurities are compensated for there. That's where I want and need to be. Nothing was meant to stay whole forever. Wholeness is a state that must be broken into. Ironic? very.

in between

So, sometimes you just have those days where you just wonder what is going to happen. You just wonder what things really mean. You just wonder what people really want. You just wonder how many days you have left. You just wonder what really matters. You just wonder how big of a mistake you are going to make. You just wonder if every breath that you take, every step that you take really makes a difference somewhere else. I wonder all of this and more.

I feel in between. Like there's no beginnings and no endings, just middles. The seasons of your life where you wait could turn out to be the most fruitful, right? I hope so.

waiting: [wey-ting] verb. a period of pause, interval, or delay.

that's where I am, and from the looks of things, that is where I am going to stay for a while. There are so many things going through my head, that there really is no other option. To progress is not always what is best.

There is a difference between knowledge and wisdom, heart and soul, forgiveness and grace, saying and enforcing, believing and living, believing in Jesus and believing Jesus, promising and swearing, wrong and incorrect, humility and low self-esteem, pride and confidence, religion and relationship, but mostly, there is a world of a difference between good and better, better and best. (that was a long sentence.)

So, in these moments of deciding between the difference in synonyms (ironic?), I think. I think a lot about a lot of different things. One of the hundreds ideas that has crossed my head as I sit here at work is absolutely ridiculous. But, worthwhile once you get to the bottom of the thought.

[I wonder if Sir Isaac Newton ever gave up on physics. Or if Galileo ever gave up on the planets. Or if Hellen Keller ever gave up learning to communicate. Or if Lincoln ever gave up on unity and peace again. Or if Beethoven ever gave up on symphonies. Or if Rosa Parks ever gave up on racial equality. All of these extremely successful, well-known, world-shaking people had to have moments, days, weeks, years of vulnerability and of weakness and of hopelessness. What eventually made them a smash-hit?]

To me, the answer to the question seems obvious. perseverance. But, the thought is like a black hole which keeps going deeper and deeper and never ends. Perseverance, beyond its denotation, means so much more about a person. A person is so much more appealing with perseverance, with pursuit. A person who doesn't give up has charisma. A person who doesn't give up ends up changing the world.

But, what does that mean to me? Does it mean that if I never give up I will be known in history books as a world-changer? No, not really. I mean, it always could, but if it doesn't does that mean that I wasn't relentless enough? Does it mean I didn't try hard enough or was vulnerable for too long?

Basically, I know what I am thinking, but no one else can ever know because there really are no words sufficient enough. These days are called the middle, the in between, the gray area, the suburbs, the neutral territory, the conservative, the cautious, the balanced, the distance, the straddle, the yellow line, the thick, the midsection, the waist. This is where I am, and this is what I thought it meant in its completion.

But, like most days, I was not completely correct. And, the thesaurus reminded me of that. It also means the influence, the agent, the contributor, the connection, the mediator, the intercessor, the fixer. And, when I read that, I ran into a brick wall. Of course, I mean that figuratively, that would be sad if I meant that literally, but I had a moment where it was almost like God slapped me in the face and went, "Duh, I tried to show you that a long time ago. Wake up." So, things aren't always as they seem.

The middle is not always what it appears to be, but neither are the beginnings or the endings. There is always something more. always. Maybe someone always has to be in the middle to balance and regulate the people that are at really high point or really low point of life, the ones that are at the beginning or the ending, the ones that are full and the ones that are empty, the ones with heavy hearts and the ones with light hearts. Maybe brick walls are necessary to see things like that; things that brand you forever.

home

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Listening to these lyrics, I wonder what they mean. Honestly, I am not quite sure. Their dictionary definition is obvious, but I wonder what they mean in context to me. They could mean something different each day, but today here is what I think they mean.

Another.
Each morning when I wake up, get some coffee occasionally, and ask Jesus what he thinks of today. I get a different response each day, but the way my day goes is as uniform as the last Tuesday or Thursday was. Little things change, homework changes, conversations change, minutes change, work changes, but it is just another. day.

Today = cracker barrel = wonderful change. new coffee. new taste. not another.

I wonder if that is okay. I don't think that is right. I don't think that is the way it is supposed to be. Each day is a gift, and it is not meant to be the same as the previous one. Each day should be an adventure, another opportunity, another "i get to", not "uh. I have to." I should be thankful for a consistent job, consistent family, consistent friends, consistent education, consistent freedom, consistent opportunity, and a constant Lord.

What more could a person ask for? Maybe my life has some adventure, some spontaneity, but not as much as I want? What if there was someone that could bring out that part of me. What if I made each day more than another.

"Something ordinary might turn out to be extraordinary." -my thought.

To Inspire and Challenge

...turning the unexpected to perfect timing.

"You always admire what you don't understand." -Blaise Pascal

"everything in the universe does by indirection. There are no straight lines." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absent-minded.
Someone sober worry about the events going badly.
Let the lover be." -Rumi

"If you are searching..for things that don't really exist; I mean beginnings. Ends and beginnings--there are no such things. There are only middles." -Robert Frost

"There is no security on this earth, only opportunities." -Douglas MacArthur

"There are only 2 lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots; the other, wings." - Hodding Carter

"As long as we wish for safety we have difficulty pursuing what really matters." -Peter Block

"Life is "trying things to see if they work". -Robert F. Kennedy

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

And all those are my thoughts for the day.

Mainly, though,
"Maybe something ordinary could turn out to be extraordinary." -me.

Oh, the places you'll go...

Currently,

these are the places that I feel inclined to go to:

one. (the top of the world)

two. (a big, open field)

three. (driving in color)

four. (best place)

And, these are the things that I would like to be doing:

one. (carving pumpkins)

two. (coloring)

three. (picking pumpkins.)

four. (dancing.)

And, these are the things I would like to look down and see:

one. (Starbucks)

two. (scrabble cards.)
three. (an autum leaf)

four. (hands, together.)

My thoughts right now are scattered, obviously. I am thinking of many different things and wishing lots of things for my life. Who knows what will happen, I think I'll just sit and wait.

"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar."
-Hellen Keller

I believe all of this with my entire heart. In a world so rapid it is imperative to find your place, identity, niche, if you will. I cannot say that thus far in my fifteen years and eleven months that I have been independent from my mother that I have found my purpose fully or my identity the way that I will later on down the road.

Something in me always wants to try something new; to explore. I often wonder the mentality behind my stubborn-like personality. If someone tells me I can't, I am determined to show them that I can. If someone tells me no, I want to somehow justify that to a yes. I both respect and observe authority, yet something in me always finds a point to wrestle with. Even if it is a silent battle, there is a battle between what I am told to do and what I could be doing. Sometimes I know that I am correct in my thinking and therefore should follow my own heart, but unfortunately a commandment forbids me from doing so.

So, I continue to replay the spoken words, facial expressions, hand gestures, and other movements made during the tense conversation that just dares me to prove something. It's like a broken record, but not in the bondage sense-more in the pensive sense.

By this point my thinking is not even creating real sentences or complete thoughts; it is just shooting out random bits and pieces of what it is trying to say. It's like sneezing and only catching half of the snot in the Kleenex. (I know how completely gross that analogy is.)

Frustrating. I know that my brain, my God is trying to tell me something but I just can't seem to grasp the entire concept; just the gist.

In conclusion, I basically feel like my life is algebra. Enjoyable, mysterious, classy, confusing, understandable, not legible. I have reached a crossroads, and I get to choose which way I will go.

school never dies.

School: by definition is never over, never gives up, always has something to say to you, and follows you around like a pesky mosquito wanting a bite of your flesh.

In counting, camp produced 66 mosquito bites just on my two legs. I did not dare even explore the rest of my poor body for fear of the number system running out of numbers with which to label my lovely swollen polka dots. So, I decided since we are obviously good friends, I should refer to them with a much more endearing term than "those dang nasty bug bites that itch so much I just want to put myself through a paper shredder". Polka dots work.

Back to school. I have just embarked upon the AP summer reading list. Although, I love to read, history in particular, American history is not the most interesting. I found the most interesting book that I could about an epic rescue mission of POWs during WWII. Sounds interesting...all 600 pages of it. Furthermore, a report sounded even more enticing to my mystery teacher. Luckily for my literature-hungry self, a few good books are in the running for my AP Literature summer musings. quite good, quite good.

Whatever, as long as I am not doing Algebra, Trigonometry, or PreCalculus, I shall not complain.

Life has been good to me these fast few weeks. Although some rough patches have come up I am finding sleeping late, friends forever, pools, lakes, tans, and super (unstressed) family nights more enjoyable than normal.

Today was my parents anniversary. It was so cute, and the letters that they wrote each other were so romantic. Not necessarily a novel, but incredibly endearing. Something about a stable relationship between one's parents causes the individual to be more confident in themselves. I am finding this confidence quite enjoyable. So, Dad cooked Mom a wonderful dinner with state-of-the-art ribs and the most colorful assortment of grilled peppers and vegetables I have ever seen. Most nights, my parents double-team it and cook a fabulous dinner. Tonight seemed more delectable than usual; probably because of the romanticesque day.

After dinner, to "continue" their romantic night, which happened to include me, they decided to embark on exercise. I mean, why break schedule for a special day? My mom and my dad go bike riding together about three nights a week, which is pretty good considering they both have full time jobs and two children. It was quite refreshing. They have found a wonderful park with a trail that goes for miles. We only rode about ten miles and decided to go home.

mmhm. Key Lime Pie came next. Normally, I cook desserts, and this pie would not normally be of my choosing, so trying something new was a delightful change.

These past few days have been filled with very few phone calls and text messages. This upset me at first, but I have come to enjoy my family more than usual these past few days, and a break from friends for a while is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I can breathe now. I feel recharged, refreshed, and ready to start responding to my school work.

Goodnight, world.
Goodnight, invisible friends with absent opinions.
its alright.
Dream well. its summer.

quite frankly,

I think that as a general rule of thumb people blog whenever the feel the need to express their emotions, opinions, and thoughts. Currently, I don't necessarily have the creative inclination inside of me or any certain thought I feel the need to share. Actually, have no desire to be on the computer at all right now. I think I am bored and quite confused with life, and decided to turn to here for a change. I know that all of this cyber-journaling is not going to change anything, but instead give me written affirmation that what I am feeling is true and justifiable.

Today's theme comes from both the Bible and one of the most brilliant poetic minds in the seventeenth century: Love.

As Sir Walter Raleigh put it so well,

"Love is work on holiday, love is December matched with May."

As I grow more and more and experience more circumstances this crazy world produces I realize how much truth really is spoken in those words. It's all bittersweet.

The Bible puts it in different words, but as one experiences love as described by the New Testament, Sir Raleigh's poem comes to life.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not record of wrongs. Love does not deligh in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Loving is harder than I ever expected, and I am not necessarily just referring to the romantic kind of love. Although, our world is romantic at heart. I know that I am slowly learning what it means to love and to be loved purely. It is an interesting road to travel, but one that is necessary. I know that I am not alone, and that is comforting.

delenda

Welcome.

[Refer to title] - In the end, I believe that this blog comes down to things to be deleted; blotted out from cyberspace but still exist in my mind. The truths that are found and instilled within ones' memory are much more reliable than the precarious state of this site. However, as a way to vent to...mostly myself, I have created this site on a whim. It was a serendipitous moment when I decided to make my thoughts available for the surrounding population to experience; whether people actually choose to engage with them or not.


Currently in my life I am experimenting with the idea of hope. In this world, hope varies. Whether it is in...
1. no hope
2. little hope
3. false hope
4. dynamic hope
5. unreliable hope
...people believe in hope. The degree is different, yet it still exists.



Personally, I have huge hope for the present and for the future. Although, I have hope in many things, I have found to have hope for just a future; a future fit to have an article placed in front of it. Believing in a personalized future that is better than my current dreams is sometimes hard to completely believe. I know it exists, but surrendering full control and influence over it is a wrestling point for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD.
Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you; plans for hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

So far my dreams have taken me places I never knew that I could even go. I find the purest joy and the purest thoughts within these dreams. They take me through life, and through them I have learned that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. This is a good place to be at in my life; very bittersweet. Hopes that I want to hold onto I should let go of, and those dreams that I want to let go of I should hold onto.

Good night world, hopeful world.
I hope that you dream well.
Enjoy the summer weather for me tomorrow.

-till next time,
Chelsea Renee