12.9.07

I don't want the world to see me. I don't think that they'd understand.

Ever wonder what those words mean? Maybe literature class has done me a smidgen of good this semester. But, a smidgen is about its extent. But, the bit it has done me just taught me that people see things differently; every pair of eyes seeks to find different things in life. If you look for darkness, you will certainly find it. If you look for light, if you look hard enough, there is plenty of it to go around. Life comes at you fast. I am learning, you just have to go with it. There are situations, people, the weather, and so many other things that I can't control. So, why would I waste my energy, my time, my thoughts to try and do just that? This is one things where attempting the impossible will always end with the same broken answer.

So amidst all those things we can't control, why do we, as humans, seek to appear someone we really are not? By being different, the world wouldn't understand? So, hiding behind a mask is obviously the correct answer, right? I mean, if you have a disability the only good option you have is to stay inside your whole life, or if you have a lisp, you should obviously never speak, right? Or how about different ideas? You should definitely keep those to yourself, locking yourself along with your different ideas in a closet would definitely benefit the world.

Here's what gets me. The world wants different. The world produces fashion that no one in their right mind would really wear off the catwalk. The politicians that are elected into office are elected because they promise to change something the previous politician changed to the discontent of the people. A democrat's policies or promises or actions don't please us? Let's elect a republican. This life is a balancing act; going from one extreme to the other. The middle is where compromise finally creates the peace that both sides desire.

So, if it is the different ideas that shape the world we live in today, why is it the different kids that are always bullied? Or the ones that dress differently ridiculed? Or the ones that think at a different speed mocked? Isn't different what makes the world go round? It's why people travel; to see and experience something different.

I don't like the fact that if I think differently, speak differently, dress differently, worship differently, believe differently, or live differently that I have to wear a mask in order to be heard. I have to pretend like I am a really strong person with a perfect life in order to be seen. The fact that I have weaknesses lessens my impact on society, so the less flaws I show the better off I am. right? that's the message that the media and the world surrounding me has always told me. My family should be an exact replica of the Cleaver family. No. That is exactly what I don't want, a perfect life. Why would I? What would be the point?

So, here is me, Chelsea, thinking that I am tired of having to deal and figure out people because they are pretending to be someone that they are not. I have flaws, I am flawed, I am a normal human, teenage girl, just like the rest of the population. I have problems and I fight with my parents and friends occasionally. I skip homework assignments or don't do everything to the best of my ability everyday. I try. I am trying. I will keep trying. But, maybe some softened hearts would make life easier, more open, less complicated, more enjoyable, just like it was created to be.

But, everything is meant to be broken.

It is. especially hearts. Maybe a broken heart, broken for what breaks the Lord's would be an excellent place to start reconstruction. My thoughts are safe there. My tears are safe there. The differences are safe there. My weakness and insecurities are compensated for there. That's where I want and need to be. Nothing was meant to stay whole forever. Wholeness is a state that must be broken into. Ironic? very.