4.27.08: worthwhile.

"And I would give the world to tell your story..."

I saw that quote on someone else's blog and it absolutely captured my heart. It speaks multitudes when someone is willing to dedicate their life to one cause. It goes against everything in the human nature and the "never put all your eggs in one basket" or "don't spend all your money in one place" mentality that our parents have instilled inside of us.

There is something bigger. There has to be.

Although I knew the answer to this question in my soul and mind, I still had to wonder what was worth giving a life for? Recently I have come in contact with many people's stories, which tell a tale of a person giving their life to a specific cause. I was reading TIME this afternoon and there was an article on Bono and his life philanthropy for the cure for cancer and other fatal diseases. I (by obligation) attended a "safe driving seminar" where I met a "teen driving activist". And I couldn't escape the thought in my mind that he is dedicating his time, his thoughts, his failures, and his successes to improving the safety of roads.

I mean, it's a good cause, but I know I am not passionate enough about automobiles to dedicate all of that to them. Then a song came on that captured my thoughts. "The King of Glory rescued me."

Okay, obvious Christian principle that I have grown up around and raised up into. Yes, I own my faith, but it was in that critical moment that I realized the magnitude of that statement.

The King of Glory rescued me.

The King of Glory rescued me.

The King of Glory rescued me.

Yes, yes He did. Why? Because He dedicated His life cause to me. He dedicated his time, His thoughts, His failures, and His successes to rescuing me. There is something about that extraordinary thought that is portrayed in churches every Sunday and Wednesday, that's the Gospel at it's finest. But, it was just then that I realized how important life dedication is.

At this point, I come to question my own.

"Who am I that you are mindful of me?"

Who will I dedicate my life to be mindful of?

time to: revaluate.

Worship is a direct effect of humility and coming under the wing and authority of Jesus Christ. Therefore living a life full of humility and being a reflection of the Lord's characteristics is truly living a life of worship. Seeking to give Him glory in everything that we do also enhances how reverent our lifestyle is. The reference to worship as a posture is a physical act, a spiritual act, a mental act, and an emotional act. The components of our everyday life are directly proportional to how much God's love is running through our veins and overflowing in our hearts. Posture (worship) is a physical act by dying to yourself each and everyday and physically showing God that He is the Supreme, the Father of Lights, the King of King and Lord of Lords. It is a mental act because we heed our thought processes to Him daily. He should take captive our thoughts and completely embody what we meditate upon (Psalm 19:14). It is a spiritual act because it forces us to recognize God as the Provider, Supplier, and completely trust Him to daily be our Provision. Acknowledging the direction of God's spirit and following the story of Levi by completely abandoning all of our expectations and dreams for our own life and bowing down to God's desires and plan display' how one of Jesus' disciples that accomplished many things with the Lord by his side engaged in a continual act of worship from the time that Jesus called his name. (Luke 5:27). Worship and posture are an emotional experience because true worship naturally causes a human to be in absolute, unmistaken awe of the Lord. The inclination of John 3:30, "He must become greater, I must become less." becomes more relevant to one's life the more one chases God's heart in worship. When true worship is lived not just through music, within a moment alone, seeing God's mystifying creation, nor loving people; it is a combination of all of these things and realizing whose name is truly capitalized and who life was created to be lived for. God created us for a purpose. His only desire is to see His children continually worship Him with the breath He provides them with, the sin He rescues them from, and the life He restores in them.

twelve.

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part: so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me, like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine by being my friend...

("For Good" Wicked - The Original Broadway Cast)

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Sometimes far just isn't far enough and sometimes near just isn't near enough. Sometimes you stretch yourself too thin and sometimes there is just too much of you. All of this mubo-jumbo emotional crap is me experiencing every emotion through contact with other people, reading people's status updates, or reading other's blogs. There's just something about the tug of someone else's heart strings that makes your heart just hurt sometimes. This has a fancy name, commonly known as: compassion.

Although not everyone realizes it, most human beings have compassion to a certain capacity. Compassion can be frustrating, a gift, not commonly used, or even encouraging, but I look at the world around me and wonder how much better it would be if it would soften the outside of it a little bit. A little melting (not literally, Al Gore...) might be a good remedy for this hardened outer shell that people seem to thing they are required to possess and put forward for other people to see. If only it would soften a little bit, people would actually see that our world is like this: (^ See picture to above!)

This is often an emotion that I experience that really tells me and shows me that I am growing, that I am molding, that I am merely clay in the potter's hand. It's always encouraging to know that if I reach just a little bit farther, the Lord will kindly be waiting to grab my reaching hand and pull me up to a firm, spacious place that is safe to set my feet upon and rest. God gives rest to the weary and love to the broken-hearted. Sometimes I think of Jesus as this complex mathematical formula and that's when I start searching for answers to questions that normal people don't ask. What is normal, right? How do I compare my faith and my journey to others? I can't. Sometimes I try, and it never works, I never end up with the answers, emotion, or satisfaction that I was looking for in the first place. If I just keep reaching...

<-- Ever feel like this fellow? Like the weight of the world is all on you, like the storm is over your head alone? I know that I often do. I feel like I make more mistakes than any other person. I say one more wrong thing at the wrong time than the next, or I never do something to another's complete satisfaction and totality. Although these emotions are all false, they still exist and they still are real. Trying to convince myself that they aren't legit isn't going to make these emotions go away. But, here's where I find my comfort: Jesus is with me no matter where I go. Jesus alone has a strong enough voices to calm storms. Just because He's with me doesn't mean that I am not going to experience storms, it just means that someone will be with me through it all. That is comforting.

That is where I lay my head to rest each night, and that is how I wake up each morning. Knowing that all I have to do is try my best. God knows what a wretched world this has become, and asks only that I persevere and continue doing the best that I know how; that each morning when I wake up I have to choose whether or not I am going to embrace each day and accept the dance. I get to decide what sort of immortal I wish to be, how I am going to live my life, how I am going to love people, and the decisions which I am going to make. Although I have control over all of this, my life is surrendered. All these choices I make with a companion who gives expert advice and handles day-to-day struggles like a pro.

:) Contentment is the sort of feeling that I get from all of these ideas that were formerly spinning in my head now that they are out there for the world to experience. Good night, sweet, beautiful, world.

Pslam 18!

love wins.

This is me.

me = ?

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I was a different person, if I handled things differently, if my life had panned out differently than it did. Someone reading this might want to say something along the lines of don't get caught up in wishful thinking or things turned out the way that they did for a reason. Yes, yes, I realize. I have just reached a point in my life...meaning today...where all my thoughts are clashing and somewhere amidst all the chaos and confusion I find peace in knowing I am the way that I am. That I was created uniquely and purposely to do specific things as Chelsea Renee Wegesin.

Figuring out what I need to accomplish isn't on my mind either. This is one of those thought processes that seems stressful, confusing, and depressing, but in all reality, to me, it's not. There is just something about today, the seasons, and the weather that makes me think that life is okay the way that it is. It's one of those, "grab life by the horns" moments, where everything seems to be turning by different clocks, nothing is making sense, yet I know that everything is the way that it is supposed to be. Everything is going to be okay.

It is in this peace that I find myself; I find who Chelsea Renee Wegesin is really supposed to be and turn into, and also how far I have to go. But, seeing the distance I have to travel is encouraging, not demoralizing. I know that this magnificent journey includes many things that I want, that I don't want, and things that I will have to press through. And, for once, I am ready for it, I want to press through it, prove that I am strong enough. I am going to make it and I am going to make it well. I have a purpose and God did not create me and my purpose for me just to "try my best". Yeah, sometimes that's the best that I can do, but I am made of more, I am made from more, I am made for more. And more is what I will be, strive towards, and become.

12.9.07

I don't want the world to see me. I don't think that they'd understand.

Ever wonder what those words mean? Maybe literature class has done me a smidgen of good this semester. But, a smidgen is about its extent. But, the bit it has done me just taught me that people see things differently; every pair of eyes seeks to find different things in life. If you look for darkness, you will certainly find it. If you look for light, if you look hard enough, there is plenty of it to go around. Life comes at you fast. I am learning, you just have to go with it. There are situations, people, the weather, and so many other things that I can't control. So, why would I waste my energy, my time, my thoughts to try and do just that? This is one things where attempting the impossible will always end with the same broken answer.

So amidst all those things we can't control, why do we, as humans, seek to appear someone we really are not? By being different, the world wouldn't understand? So, hiding behind a mask is obviously the correct answer, right? I mean, if you have a disability the only good option you have is to stay inside your whole life, or if you have a lisp, you should obviously never speak, right? Or how about different ideas? You should definitely keep those to yourself, locking yourself along with your different ideas in a closet would definitely benefit the world.

Here's what gets me. The world wants different. The world produces fashion that no one in their right mind would really wear off the catwalk. The politicians that are elected into office are elected because they promise to change something the previous politician changed to the discontent of the people. A democrat's policies or promises or actions don't please us? Let's elect a republican. This life is a balancing act; going from one extreme to the other. The middle is where compromise finally creates the peace that both sides desire.

So, if it is the different ideas that shape the world we live in today, why is it the different kids that are always bullied? Or the ones that dress differently ridiculed? Or the ones that think at a different speed mocked? Isn't different what makes the world go round? It's why people travel; to see and experience something different.

I don't like the fact that if I think differently, speak differently, dress differently, worship differently, believe differently, or live differently that I have to wear a mask in order to be heard. I have to pretend like I am a really strong person with a perfect life in order to be seen. The fact that I have weaknesses lessens my impact on society, so the less flaws I show the better off I am. right? that's the message that the media and the world surrounding me has always told me. My family should be an exact replica of the Cleaver family. No. That is exactly what I don't want, a perfect life. Why would I? What would be the point?

So, here is me, Chelsea, thinking that I am tired of having to deal and figure out people because they are pretending to be someone that they are not. I have flaws, I am flawed, I am a normal human, teenage girl, just like the rest of the population. I have problems and I fight with my parents and friends occasionally. I skip homework assignments or don't do everything to the best of my ability everyday. I try. I am trying. I will keep trying. But, maybe some softened hearts would make life easier, more open, less complicated, more enjoyable, just like it was created to be.

But, everything is meant to be broken.

It is. especially hearts. Maybe a broken heart, broken for what breaks the Lord's would be an excellent place to start reconstruction. My thoughts are safe there. My tears are safe there. The differences are safe there. My weakness and insecurities are compensated for there. That's where I want and need to be. Nothing was meant to stay whole forever. Wholeness is a state that must be broken into. Ironic? very.

in between

So, sometimes you just have those days where you just wonder what is going to happen. You just wonder what things really mean. You just wonder what people really want. You just wonder how many days you have left. You just wonder what really matters. You just wonder how big of a mistake you are going to make. You just wonder if every breath that you take, every step that you take really makes a difference somewhere else. I wonder all of this and more.

I feel in between. Like there's no beginnings and no endings, just middles. The seasons of your life where you wait could turn out to be the most fruitful, right? I hope so.

waiting: [wey-ting] verb. a period of pause, interval, or delay.

that's where I am, and from the looks of things, that is where I am going to stay for a while. There are so many things going through my head, that there really is no other option. To progress is not always what is best.

There is a difference between knowledge and wisdom, heart and soul, forgiveness and grace, saying and enforcing, believing and living, believing in Jesus and believing Jesus, promising and swearing, wrong and incorrect, humility and low self-esteem, pride and confidence, religion and relationship, but mostly, there is a world of a difference between good and better, better and best. (that was a long sentence.)

So, in these moments of deciding between the difference in synonyms (ironic?), I think. I think a lot about a lot of different things. One of the hundreds ideas that has crossed my head as I sit here at work is absolutely ridiculous. But, worthwhile once you get to the bottom of the thought.

[I wonder if Sir Isaac Newton ever gave up on physics. Or if Galileo ever gave up on the planets. Or if Hellen Keller ever gave up learning to communicate. Or if Lincoln ever gave up on unity and peace again. Or if Beethoven ever gave up on symphonies. Or if Rosa Parks ever gave up on racial equality. All of these extremely successful, well-known, world-shaking people had to have moments, days, weeks, years of vulnerability and of weakness and of hopelessness. What eventually made them a smash-hit?]

To me, the answer to the question seems obvious. perseverance. But, the thought is like a black hole which keeps going deeper and deeper and never ends. Perseverance, beyond its denotation, means so much more about a person. A person is so much more appealing with perseverance, with pursuit. A person who doesn't give up has charisma. A person who doesn't give up ends up changing the world.

But, what does that mean to me? Does it mean that if I never give up I will be known in history books as a world-changer? No, not really. I mean, it always could, but if it doesn't does that mean that I wasn't relentless enough? Does it mean I didn't try hard enough or was vulnerable for too long?

Basically, I know what I am thinking, but no one else can ever know because there really are no words sufficient enough. These days are called the middle, the in between, the gray area, the suburbs, the neutral territory, the conservative, the cautious, the balanced, the distance, the straddle, the yellow line, the thick, the midsection, the waist. This is where I am, and this is what I thought it meant in its completion.

But, like most days, I was not completely correct. And, the thesaurus reminded me of that. It also means the influence, the agent, the contributor, the connection, the mediator, the intercessor, the fixer. And, when I read that, I ran into a brick wall. Of course, I mean that figuratively, that would be sad if I meant that literally, but I had a moment where it was almost like God slapped me in the face and went, "Duh, I tried to show you that a long time ago. Wake up." So, things aren't always as they seem.

The middle is not always what it appears to be, but neither are the beginnings or the endings. There is always something more. always. Maybe someone always has to be in the middle to balance and regulate the people that are at really high point or really low point of life, the ones that are at the beginning or the ending, the ones that are full and the ones that are empty, the ones with heavy hearts and the ones with light hearts. Maybe brick walls are necessary to see things like that; things that brand you forever.