12.9.07

I don't want the world to see me. I don't think that they'd understand.

Ever wonder what those words mean? Maybe literature class has done me a smidgen of good this semester. But, a smidgen is about its extent. But, the bit it has done me just taught me that people see things differently; every pair of eyes seeks to find different things in life. If you look for darkness, you will certainly find it. If you look for light, if you look hard enough, there is plenty of it to go around. Life comes at you fast. I am learning, you just have to go with it. There are situations, people, the weather, and so many other things that I can't control. So, why would I waste my energy, my time, my thoughts to try and do just that? This is one things where attempting the impossible will always end with the same broken answer.

So amidst all those things we can't control, why do we, as humans, seek to appear someone we really are not? By being different, the world wouldn't understand? So, hiding behind a mask is obviously the correct answer, right? I mean, if you have a disability the only good option you have is to stay inside your whole life, or if you have a lisp, you should obviously never speak, right? Or how about different ideas? You should definitely keep those to yourself, locking yourself along with your different ideas in a closet would definitely benefit the world.

Here's what gets me. The world wants different. The world produces fashion that no one in their right mind would really wear off the catwalk. The politicians that are elected into office are elected because they promise to change something the previous politician changed to the discontent of the people. A democrat's policies or promises or actions don't please us? Let's elect a republican. This life is a balancing act; going from one extreme to the other. The middle is where compromise finally creates the peace that both sides desire.

So, if it is the different ideas that shape the world we live in today, why is it the different kids that are always bullied? Or the ones that dress differently ridiculed? Or the ones that think at a different speed mocked? Isn't different what makes the world go round? It's why people travel; to see and experience something different.

I don't like the fact that if I think differently, speak differently, dress differently, worship differently, believe differently, or live differently that I have to wear a mask in order to be heard. I have to pretend like I am a really strong person with a perfect life in order to be seen. The fact that I have weaknesses lessens my impact on society, so the less flaws I show the better off I am. right? that's the message that the media and the world surrounding me has always told me. My family should be an exact replica of the Cleaver family. No. That is exactly what I don't want, a perfect life. Why would I? What would be the point?

So, here is me, Chelsea, thinking that I am tired of having to deal and figure out people because they are pretending to be someone that they are not. I have flaws, I am flawed, I am a normal human, teenage girl, just like the rest of the population. I have problems and I fight with my parents and friends occasionally. I skip homework assignments or don't do everything to the best of my ability everyday. I try. I am trying. I will keep trying. But, maybe some softened hearts would make life easier, more open, less complicated, more enjoyable, just like it was created to be.

But, everything is meant to be broken.

It is. especially hearts. Maybe a broken heart, broken for what breaks the Lord's would be an excellent place to start reconstruction. My thoughts are safe there. My tears are safe there. The differences are safe there. My weakness and insecurities are compensated for there. That's where I want and need to be. Nothing was meant to stay whole forever. Wholeness is a state that must be broken into. Ironic? very.

in between

So, sometimes you just have those days where you just wonder what is going to happen. You just wonder what things really mean. You just wonder what people really want. You just wonder how many days you have left. You just wonder what really matters. You just wonder how big of a mistake you are going to make. You just wonder if every breath that you take, every step that you take really makes a difference somewhere else. I wonder all of this and more.

I feel in between. Like there's no beginnings and no endings, just middles. The seasons of your life where you wait could turn out to be the most fruitful, right? I hope so.

waiting: [wey-ting] verb. a period of pause, interval, or delay.

that's where I am, and from the looks of things, that is where I am going to stay for a while. There are so many things going through my head, that there really is no other option. To progress is not always what is best.

There is a difference between knowledge and wisdom, heart and soul, forgiveness and grace, saying and enforcing, believing and living, believing in Jesus and believing Jesus, promising and swearing, wrong and incorrect, humility and low self-esteem, pride and confidence, religion and relationship, but mostly, there is a world of a difference between good and better, better and best. (that was a long sentence.)

So, in these moments of deciding between the difference in synonyms (ironic?), I think. I think a lot about a lot of different things. One of the hundreds ideas that has crossed my head as I sit here at work is absolutely ridiculous. But, worthwhile once you get to the bottom of the thought.

[I wonder if Sir Isaac Newton ever gave up on physics. Or if Galileo ever gave up on the planets. Or if Hellen Keller ever gave up learning to communicate. Or if Lincoln ever gave up on unity and peace again. Or if Beethoven ever gave up on symphonies. Or if Rosa Parks ever gave up on racial equality. All of these extremely successful, well-known, world-shaking people had to have moments, days, weeks, years of vulnerability and of weakness and of hopelessness. What eventually made them a smash-hit?]

To me, the answer to the question seems obvious. perseverance. But, the thought is like a black hole which keeps going deeper and deeper and never ends. Perseverance, beyond its denotation, means so much more about a person. A person is so much more appealing with perseverance, with pursuit. A person who doesn't give up has charisma. A person who doesn't give up ends up changing the world.

But, what does that mean to me? Does it mean that if I never give up I will be known in history books as a world-changer? No, not really. I mean, it always could, but if it doesn't does that mean that I wasn't relentless enough? Does it mean I didn't try hard enough or was vulnerable for too long?

Basically, I know what I am thinking, but no one else can ever know because there really are no words sufficient enough. These days are called the middle, the in between, the gray area, the suburbs, the neutral territory, the conservative, the cautious, the balanced, the distance, the straddle, the yellow line, the thick, the midsection, the waist. This is where I am, and this is what I thought it meant in its completion.

But, like most days, I was not completely correct. And, the thesaurus reminded me of that. It also means the influence, the agent, the contributor, the connection, the mediator, the intercessor, the fixer. And, when I read that, I ran into a brick wall. Of course, I mean that figuratively, that would be sad if I meant that literally, but I had a moment where it was almost like God slapped me in the face and went, "Duh, I tried to show you that a long time ago. Wake up." So, things aren't always as they seem.

The middle is not always what it appears to be, but neither are the beginnings or the endings. There is always something more. always. Maybe someone always has to be in the middle to balance and regulate the people that are at really high point or really low point of life, the ones that are at the beginning or the ending, the ones that are full and the ones that are empty, the ones with heavy hearts and the ones with light hearts. Maybe brick walls are necessary to see things like that; things that brand you forever.