today. 10.4.08

It is almost exactly this time of year, every single year that I wish I was travelling to this place. (reference picture a la derecha.) Right now, I want to be there. This place seems full of magic and enchantment during all seasons, but autumn brings special appeal of life and breadth. What is this place I talk about so fondly? Pennsylvania. I don't know why, but I have a specific drawing to that state to which I have never actually travelled. Yes, I want to travel the world and visit every state and speak more than one language, but today, I want to live in Pennsylvania. Today, I want to experience the golden and orange leaves and feel the crispness of fall air.

This fall season always gives me the feeling of accomplishment, inspiration, motivation, devotion, movement. This morning, I felt moved. I am enchanted by the colors and the temperature of the air outside. I just love fall. Let me tell you why:

1. Football
2. Carving Pumpkins
3. Corn Mazes
4. The beginning of Christmas decorations in stores
5. the colors of the leaves
6. Jumping in piles of leaves
7. weather suitable for all types of clothes (i.e. shorts, jackets, long sleeved t-shirts, flip flops, jeans)
8. Thanksgiving
9. crisp, dry air
10. perfect time of year for windows down in the car
11. perfect weather for windows up in the house
12. the bugs (specifically mosquitoes) are disappearing
13. I bet Berry looks beautiful right about now
14. A Holiday schmorgusborg coming up
15. joy!
16. the desire to be outside constantly
17. bonfires
18. cookouts
19. coffee mornings
20. hot chocolate nights
21. corn mazes
22. growth
23. chili dinner nights
24. parties
25. finalizing plans
26. Classical in the morning, dance in early afternoon, country in the late afternoon, and jazz at night
27. The Office! and all the other great seasons just starting
28. anticipation
29. Halloween
30. Christmas Shopping
31. scarves
32. the perfect placement and shade of the sun all day long making the whole earth seem to radiate
33. and this year...the collegiate feeling approaching!
34. and so, so, so much more!

06.08.08. perseverance

I was uploading all my pictures into a new program when I found this picture saved on my computer. It caught my attention. To me, the reasons why seem obvious, but the more that I think about it, the more that I realize all the reasons, even to me, may be partially hidden.

Perseverance is something that keeps going, never gives up, forever runs, always climbs. This picture says, "The difference between a successful person and other is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will."

I like that. I like what it says, what it speaks, and I like how it says it. I like the picture, too. It says something too me in the deep parts of my heart. It's something that can't be described through words, but more something acquired by simply looking.

Our camp verse last summer was found in Hebrews chapter 12 verse 11. It says:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

That verse continually reminds me of what certain things "require" and all the things that I cannot be. Perseverance, I have realized, is not made of the continual pressing on towards a goal, but more pressing towards God, letting him grow with me, and letting him constitute all the areas in which I fall short. Perseverance is continually trusting God for the things that I cannot do on my own.

The dictionary defined the word "perseverance" as steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement or continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation. Those definitions grasp everything that I feel I am trying to describe. In the end though, it is always the thesaurus that grabs my attention and makes me realizes different things that I wouldn't have noticed otherwise. It's like a scavenger hunt.

On that note: perseverance, continuance, dedication, determination, diligence, drive, endurance, grit, insistence, patience, persistence, resolution, spunk, stamina, steadfastness, tenacity.

...I am for once at a loss for words. I really have no closing statement. It all makes sense and is resolved in my mind, but these thoughts don't seem like they can come alive through typing words on a document. Think through it.

06.01.08

welcome summer.

today, I messed with the word "fellowship".
today, I looked at a calendar.
it included an excerpt from the Purpose Driven life that said, "Experiencing life together. The word fellowship has lost most of its biblical meaning. "Fellowship" now usually refers to casual conversation, socializing, food, and fun...Real fellowship is experiencing life together."

today, I wonder what my "fellowship calendar", so to speak, looks like. Yes, I spend good, great, fun time with friends and family, but did I really engage life? Did I make my friends a deep part of my life? Did I let them into my heart, and did I search for theirs?

life is tough. to state the obvious, not all parts of life are easy, and there are just some of those "phases" or "seasons", as the are so commonly referred to. But, do I change the way I live despite circumstances/seasons/the weather? Am I supposed to?

On vacation (of all the places...), I wrote in my journal, a lot. But one thing in specific.
"...I am a world-shaker. I cover distances. I am here for the long haul...My God is eternal. He is not full of sinful temporaries. He gives me infinity, and beyond."

There are something about words that are written without the intention of public viewing that are inexpressibly brilliant. No, no, no. My words are not brilliant, they aren't anything special, but the intent of them was so purely to try and describe how upside-down, inverted, and shaken my world is; this is a good thing. For me, it is impossible to get bored with life, situations, yes, but not life. Life is full of curve balls.

As I watch people, I realize the people that I consider world-shakers in my life fully encompass fellowship in all possible directions. They know people. They chase people. They are real people. World-shakers live among me, who woulda thought?! The more I thought, the more that I am now realizing the characteristic of theirs I want to emulate.

I love being around people who when I talk to them, I feel as if I am the center of the universe: I have their full attention and every fiber in their body, even if they aren't really interested in what I am saying. I know one woman in particular, an exceptional lady, who I would love to be able to become something like her in my later years, or even now. Daisy. I love this woman; she genuinely cares about me and what is going on in my life; I am important to her.

"Please Interrupt"
Sometimes I feel like an interruption,
and then I want to shrink back into my shell
and never come out again
I want to walk away and say,
"sorry for wasting your time".

Being an interruption hurts.
It tells me
something is more important than I am.
It tells me
you are looking,
but don't see me.
It tells me
you are listening
but don't hear me.
And so I move along.

But, God says
"Don't hurry away.
Stick around.
Tell me how it is with you.
Tell me what you're feeling right this minute.
Tell me why you feel that way.
I want to know you.
I care about you.
Tell me what I can do for you."

And, I go away feeling I was glad that I called.

-Ruth Senter

5.15.08

And that's what i think about that.

(This is an excerpt from one of my favorite, most marking books, Guerrillas of Grace by Ted Loder. He rights "prayers for the battlefield" in poem format. So, these are his words, not his spacing or his format, but it really is the words that matter. I will try my best to reproduce it similarly.)

"Grant Me Your Sense of Timing"

"O God of all seasons and sense,
grant me your sense of timing
to submit gracefully
and rejoice quietly
in the turn of the seasons.

In this season of short days and long nights,
of grey and white and cold,
teach me the lessons of waiting:
of the snow joining the mystery
of the hunkered-down seeds
growing in their sleep
watched over by gnarled-limbed, grandparent trees
resting from autumn's staggering energy;
of the silent, whirling earth
circling to race back home to the sun.
O God, grant me your sense of timing.

In this season of short days and long nights,
of grey and white and cold,
teach me the lessons of endings:
children growing,
friends leaving,
jobs concluding,
stages finishing,
grieving over,
grudges over,
blaming over,
excuses over.
O God, grant me your sense of timing.

In this season of short days and long nights,
of grey and white and cold,
teach me the lessons of beginnings:
that such waitings and endings
may be a starting place,
a planting of seeds
which to bring birth
what is ready to be born-
something right and just and different,
a new song.
a deeper relationship,
a fuller love-
in the fullness of your time.
O God, grant me your sense of timing."


So, those are the thoughts that I have right now, as it seems like every possible place in my life is either closing or opening. The openings seem exhilarating, and the closing are so sad, but I don't think I view them all as equal opportunities. I let yesterday or tomorrow or current feelings and temporary moments get in the way of "now".

I am working.
I am mending,
and bending,
and breaking,
and tearing,
and fixing,
and building,
and growing,
and repairing,
and repeating,
and reaping,
and healing,
and patching.
and chiseling,
and reducing,
and improving,
and redefining.

The phrase "dying to yourself everyday" has become a much more active and (almost, but not) ritualistic part of my day. This season is revealing, more than anything, parts of me that I don't like and parts of me that need to be changed. "There is a time for every activity under heaven" -Ecclesiastes something: something. (I think it is chapter 8...maybe.)

I am more selfish and independent and stubborn and grounded than I thought I was.

Everything
is
opening
and closing.

4.27.08: worthwhile.

"And I would give the world to tell your story..."

I saw that quote on someone else's blog and it absolutely captured my heart. It speaks multitudes when someone is willing to dedicate their life to one cause. It goes against everything in the human nature and the "never put all your eggs in one basket" or "don't spend all your money in one place" mentality that our parents have instilled inside of us.

There is something bigger. There has to be.

Although I knew the answer to this question in my soul and mind, I still had to wonder what was worth giving a life for? Recently I have come in contact with many people's stories, which tell a tale of a person giving their life to a specific cause. I was reading TIME this afternoon and there was an article on Bono and his life philanthropy for the cure for cancer and other fatal diseases. I (by obligation) attended a "safe driving seminar" where I met a "teen driving activist". And I couldn't escape the thought in my mind that he is dedicating his time, his thoughts, his failures, and his successes to improving the safety of roads.

I mean, it's a good cause, but I know I am not passionate enough about automobiles to dedicate all of that to them. Then a song came on that captured my thoughts. "The King of Glory rescued me."

Okay, obvious Christian principle that I have grown up around and raised up into. Yes, I own my faith, but it was in that critical moment that I realized the magnitude of that statement.

The King of Glory rescued me.

The King of Glory rescued me.

The King of Glory rescued me.

Yes, yes He did. Why? Because He dedicated His life cause to me. He dedicated his time, His thoughts, His failures, and His successes to rescuing me. There is something about that extraordinary thought that is portrayed in churches every Sunday and Wednesday, that's the Gospel at it's finest. But, it was just then that I realized how important life dedication is.

At this point, I come to question my own.

"Who am I that you are mindful of me?"

Who will I dedicate my life to be mindful of?

time to: revaluate.

Worship is a direct effect of humility and coming under the wing and authority of Jesus Christ. Therefore living a life full of humility and being a reflection of the Lord's characteristics is truly living a life of worship. Seeking to give Him glory in everything that we do also enhances how reverent our lifestyle is. The reference to worship as a posture is a physical act, a spiritual act, a mental act, and an emotional act. The components of our everyday life are directly proportional to how much God's love is running through our veins and overflowing in our hearts. Posture (worship) is a physical act by dying to yourself each and everyday and physically showing God that He is the Supreme, the Father of Lights, the King of King and Lord of Lords. It is a mental act because we heed our thought processes to Him daily. He should take captive our thoughts and completely embody what we meditate upon (Psalm 19:14). It is a spiritual act because it forces us to recognize God as the Provider, Supplier, and completely trust Him to daily be our Provision. Acknowledging the direction of God's spirit and following the story of Levi by completely abandoning all of our expectations and dreams for our own life and bowing down to God's desires and plan display' how one of Jesus' disciples that accomplished many things with the Lord by his side engaged in a continual act of worship from the time that Jesus called his name. (Luke 5:27). Worship and posture are an emotional experience because true worship naturally causes a human to be in absolute, unmistaken awe of the Lord. The inclination of John 3:30, "He must become greater, I must become less." becomes more relevant to one's life the more one chases God's heart in worship. When true worship is lived not just through music, within a moment alone, seeing God's mystifying creation, nor loving people; it is a combination of all of these things and realizing whose name is truly capitalized and who life was created to be lived for. God created us for a purpose. His only desire is to see His children continually worship Him with the breath He provides them with, the sin He rescues them from, and the life He restores in them.

twelve.

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part: so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me, like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine by being my friend...

("For Good" Wicked - The Original Broadway Cast)

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Sometimes far just isn't far enough and sometimes near just isn't near enough. Sometimes you stretch yourself too thin and sometimes there is just too much of you. All of this mubo-jumbo emotional crap is me experiencing every emotion through contact with other people, reading people's status updates, or reading other's blogs. There's just something about the tug of someone else's heart strings that makes your heart just hurt sometimes. This has a fancy name, commonly known as: compassion.

Although not everyone realizes it, most human beings have compassion to a certain capacity. Compassion can be frustrating, a gift, not commonly used, or even encouraging, but I look at the world around me and wonder how much better it would be if it would soften the outside of it a little bit. A little melting (not literally, Al Gore...) might be a good remedy for this hardened outer shell that people seem to thing they are required to possess and put forward for other people to see. If only it would soften a little bit, people would actually see that our world is like this: (^ See picture to above!)

This is often an emotion that I experience that really tells me and shows me that I am growing, that I am molding, that I am merely clay in the potter's hand. It's always encouraging to know that if I reach just a little bit farther, the Lord will kindly be waiting to grab my reaching hand and pull me up to a firm, spacious place that is safe to set my feet upon and rest. God gives rest to the weary and love to the broken-hearted. Sometimes I think of Jesus as this complex mathematical formula and that's when I start searching for answers to questions that normal people don't ask. What is normal, right? How do I compare my faith and my journey to others? I can't. Sometimes I try, and it never works, I never end up with the answers, emotion, or satisfaction that I was looking for in the first place. If I just keep reaching...

<-- Ever feel like this fellow? Like the weight of the world is all on you, like the storm is over your head alone? I know that I often do. I feel like I make more mistakes than any other person. I say one more wrong thing at the wrong time than the next, or I never do something to another's complete satisfaction and totality. Although these emotions are all false, they still exist and they still are real. Trying to convince myself that they aren't legit isn't going to make these emotions go away. But, here's where I find my comfort: Jesus is with me no matter where I go. Jesus alone has a strong enough voices to calm storms. Just because He's with me doesn't mean that I am not going to experience storms, it just means that someone will be with me through it all. That is comforting.

That is where I lay my head to rest each night, and that is how I wake up each morning. Knowing that all I have to do is try my best. God knows what a wretched world this has become, and asks only that I persevere and continue doing the best that I know how; that each morning when I wake up I have to choose whether or not I am going to embrace each day and accept the dance. I get to decide what sort of immortal I wish to be, how I am going to live my life, how I am going to love people, and the decisions which I am going to make. Although I have control over all of this, my life is surrendered. All these choices I make with a companion who gives expert advice and handles day-to-day struggles like a pro.

:) Contentment is the sort of feeling that I get from all of these ideas that were formerly spinning in my head now that they are out there for the world to experience. Good night, sweet, beautiful, world.

Pslam 18!

love wins.

This is me.

me = ?

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I was a different person, if I handled things differently, if my life had panned out differently than it did. Someone reading this might want to say something along the lines of don't get caught up in wishful thinking or things turned out the way that they did for a reason. Yes, yes, I realize. I have just reached a point in my life...meaning today...where all my thoughts are clashing and somewhere amidst all the chaos and confusion I find peace in knowing I am the way that I am. That I was created uniquely and purposely to do specific things as Chelsea Renee Wegesin.

Figuring out what I need to accomplish isn't on my mind either. This is one of those thought processes that seems stressful, confusing, and depressing, but in all reality, to me, it's not. There is just something about today, the seasons, and the weather that makes me think that life is okay the way that it is. It's one of those, "grab life by the horns" moments, where everything seems to be turning by different clocks, nothing is making sense, yet I know that everything is the way that it is supposed to be. Everything is going to be okay.

It is in this peace that I find myself; I find who Chelsea Renee Wegesin is really supposed to be and turn into, and also how far I have to go. But, seeing the distance I have to travel is encouraging, not demoralizing. I know that this magnificent journey includes many things that I want, that I don't want, and things that I will have to press through. And, for once, I am ready for it, I want to press through it, prove that I am strong enough. I am going to make it and I am going to make it well. I have a purpose and God did not create me and my purpose for me just to "try my best". Yeah, sometimes that's the best that I can do, but I am made of more, I am made from more, I am made for more. And more is what I will be, strive towards, and become.

12.9.07

I don't want the world to see me. I don't think that they'd understand.

Ever wonder what those words mean? Maybe literature class has done me a smidgen of good this semester. But, a smidgen is about its extent. But, the bit it has done me just taught me that people see things differently; every pair of eyes seeks to find different things in life. If you look for darkness, you will certainly find it. If you look for light, if you look hard enough, there is plenty of it to go around. Life comes at you fast. I am learning, you just have to go with it. There are situations, people, the weather, and so many other things that I can't control. So, why would I waste my energy, my time, my thoughts to try and do just that? This is one things where attempting the impossible will always end with the same broken answer.

So amidst all those things we can't control, why do we, as humans, seek to appear someone we really are not? By being different, the world wouldn't understand? So, hiding behind a mask is obviously the correct answer, right? I mean, if you have a disability the only good option you have is to stay inside your whole life, or if you have a lisp, you should obviously never speak, right? Or how about different ideas? You should definitely keep those to yourself, locking yourself along with your different ideas in a closet would definitely benefit the world.

Here's what gets me. The world wants different. The world produces fashion that no one in their right mind would really wear off the catwalk. The politicians that are elected into office are elected because they promise to change something the previous politician changed to the discontent of the people. A democrat's policies or promises or actions don't please us? Let's elect a republican. This life is a balancing act; going from one extreme to the other. The middle is where compromise finally creates the peace that both sides desire.

So, if it is the different ideas that shape the world we live in today, why is it the different kids that are always bullied? Or the ones that dress differently ridiculed? Or the ones that think at a different speed mocked? Isn't different what makes the world go round? It's why people travel; to see and experience something different.

I don't like the fact that if I think differently, speak differently, dress differently, worship differently, believe differently, or live differently that I have to wear a mask in order to be heard. I have to pretend like I am a really strong person with a perfect life in order to be seen. The fact that I have weaknesses lessens my impact on society, so the less flaws I show the better off I am. right? that's the message that the media and the world surrounding me has always told me. My family should be an exact replica of the Cleaver family. No. That is exactly what I don't want, a perfect life. Why would I? What would be the point?

So, here is me, Chelsea, thinking that I am tired of having to deal and figure out people because they are pretending to be someone that they are not. I have flaws, I am flawed, I am a normal human, teenage girl, just like the rest of the population. I have problems and I fight with my parents and friends occasionally. I skip homework assignments or don't do everything to the best of my ability everyday. I try. I am trying. I will keep trying. But, maybe some softened hearts would make life easier, more open, less complicated, more enjoyable, just like it was created to be.

But, everything is meant to be broken.

It is. especially hearts. Maybe a broken heart, broken for what breaks the Lord's would be an excellent place to start reconstruction. My thoughts are safe there. My tears are safe there. The differences are safe there. My weakness and insecurities are compensated for there. That's where I want and need to be. Nothing was meant to stay whole forever. Wholeness is a state that must be broken into. Ironic? very.

in between

So, sometimes you just have those days where you just wonder what is going to happen. You just wonder what things really mean. You just wonder what people really want. You just wonder how many days you have left. You just wonder what really matters. You just wonder how big of a mistake you are going to make. You just wonder if every breath that you take, every step that you take really makes a difference somewhere else. I wonder all of this and more.

I feel in between. Like there's no beginnings and no endings, just middles. The seasons of your life where you wait could turn out to be the most fruitful, right? I hope so.

waiting: [wey-ting] verb. a period of pause, interval, or delay.

that's where I am, and from the looks of things, that is where I am going to stay for a while. There are so many things going through my head, that there really is no other option. To progress is not always what is best.

There is a difference between knowledge and wisdom, heart and soul, forgiveness and grace, saying and enforcing, believing and living, believing in Jesus and believing Jesus, promising and swearing, wrong and incorrect, humility and low self-esteem, pride and confidence, religion and relationship, but mostly, there is a world of a difference between good and better, better and best. (that was a long sentence.)

So, in these moments of deciding between the difference in synonyms (ironic?), I think. I think a lot about a lot of different things. One of the hundreds ideas that has crossed my head as I sit here at work is absolutely ridiculous. But, worthwhile once you get to the bottom of the thought.

[I wonder if Sir Isaac Newton ever gave up on physics. Or if Galileo ever gave up on the planets. Or if Hellen Keller ever gave up learning to communicate. Or if Lincoln ever gave up on unity and peace again. Or if Beethoven ever gave up on symphonies. Or if Rosa Parks ever gave up on racial equality. All of these extremely successful, well-known, world-shaking people had to have moments, days, weeks, years of vulnerability and of weakness and of hopelessness. What eventually made them a smash-hit?]

To me, the answer to the question seems obvious. perseverance. But, the thought is like a black hole which keeps going deeper and deeper and never ends. Perseverance, beyond its denotation, means so much more about a person. A person is so much more appealing with perseverance, with pursuit. A person who doesn't give up has charisma. A person who doesn't give up ends up changing the world.

But, what does that mean to me? Does it mean that if I never give up I will be known in history books as a world-changer? No, not really. I mean, it always could, but if it doesn't does that mean that I wasn't relentless enough? Does it mean I didn't try hard enough or was vulnerable for too long?

Basically, I know what I am thinking, but no one else can ever know because there really are no words sufficient enough. These days are called the middle, the in between, the gray area, the suburbs, the neutral territory, the conservative, the cautious, the balanced, the distance, the straddle, the yellow line, the thick, the midsection, the waist. This is where I am, and this is what I thought it meant in its completion.

But, like most days, I was not completely correct. And, the thesaurus reminded me of that. It also means the influence, the agent, the contributor, the connection, the mediator, the intercessor, the fixer. And, when I read that, I ran into a brick wall. Of course, I mean that figuratively, that would be sad if I meant that literally, but I had a moment where it was almost like God slapped me in the face and went, "Duh, I tried to show you that a long time ago. Wake up." So, things aren't always as they seem.

The middle is not always what it appears to be, but neither are the beginnings or the endings. There is always something more. always. Maybe someone always has to be in the middle to balance and regulate the people that are at really high point or really low point of life, the ones that are at the beginning or the ending, the ones that are full and the ones that are empty, the ones with heavy hearts and the ones with light hearts. Maybe brick walls are necessary to see things like that; things that brand you forever.

home

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Listening to these lyrics, I wonder what they mean. Honestly, I am not quite sure. Their dictionary definition is obvious, but I wonder what they mean in context to me. They could mean something different each day, but today here is what I think they mean.

Another.
Each morning when I wake up, get some coffee occasionally, and ask Jesus what he thinks of today. I get a different response each day, but the way my day goes is as uniform as the last Tuesday or Thursday was. Little things change, homework changes, conversations change, minutes change, work changes, but it is just another. day.

Today = cracker barrel = wonderful change. new coffee. new taste. not another.

I wonder if that is okay. I don't think that is right. I don't think that is the way it is supposed to be. Each day is a gift, and it is not meant to be the same as the previous one. Each day should be an adventure, another opportunity, another "i get to", not "uh. I have to." I should be thankful for a consistent job, consistent family, consistent friends, consistent education, consistent freedom, consistent opportunity, and a constant Lord.

What more could a person ask for? Maybe my life has some adventure, some spontaneity, but not as much as I want? What if there was someone that could bring out that part of me. What if I made each day more than another.

"Something ordinary might turn out to be extraordinary." -my thought.

To Inspire and Challenge

...turning the unexpected to perfect timing.

"You always admire what you don't understand." -Blaise Pascal

"everything in the universe does by indirection. There are no straight lines." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Let the lover be disgraceful, crazy, absent-minded.
Someone sober worry about the events going badly.
Let the lover be." -Rumi

"If you are searching..for things that don't really exist; I mean beginnings. Ends and beginnings--there are no such things. There are only middles." -Robert Frost

"There is no security on this earth, only opportunities." -Douglas MacArthur

"There are only 2 lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots; the other, wings." - Hodding Carter

"As long as we wish for safety we have difficulty pursuing what really matters." -Peter Block

"Life is "trying things to see if they work". -Robert F. Kennedy

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

And all those are my thoughts for the day.

Mainly, though,
"Maybe something ordinary could turn out to be extraordinary." -me.

Oh, the places you'll go...

Currently,

these are the places that I feel inclined to go to:

one. (the top of the world)

two. (a big, open field)

three. (driving in color)

four. (best place)

And, these are the things that I would like to be doing:

one. (carving pumpkins)

two. (coloring)

three. (picking pumpkins.)

four. (dancing.)

And, these are the things I would like to look down and see:

one. (Starbucks)

two. (scrabble cards.)
three. (an autum leaf)

four. (hands, together.)

My thoughts right now are scattered, obviously. I am thinking of many different things and wishing lots of things for my life. Who knows what will happen, I think I'll just sit and wait.

"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar."
-Hellen Keller

I believe all of this with my entire heart. In a world so rapid it is imperative to find your place, identity, niche, if you will. I cannot say that thus far in my fifteen years and eleven months that I have been independent from my mother that I have found my purpose fully or my identity the way that I will later on down the road.

Something in me always wants to try something new; to explore. I often wonder the mentality behind my stubborn-like personality. If someone tells me I can't, I am determined to show them that I can. If someone tells me no, I want to somehow justify that to a yes. I both respect and observe authority, yet something in me always finds a point to wrestle with. Even if it is a silent battle, there is a battle between what I am told to do and what I could be doing. Sometimes I know that I am correct in my thinking and therefore should follow my own heart, but unfortunately a commandment forbids me from doing so.

So, I continue to replay the spoken words, facial expressions, hand gestures, and other movements made during the tense conversation that just dares me to prove something. It's like a broken record, but not in the bondage sense-more in the pensive sense.

By this point my thinking is not even creating real sentences or complete thoughts; it is just shooting out random bits and pieces of what it is trying to say. It's like sneezing and only catching half of the snot in the Kleenex. (I know how completely gross that analogy is.)

Frustrating. I know that my brain, my God is trying to tell me something but I just can't seem to grasp the entire concept; just the gist.

In conclusion, I basically feel like my life is algebra. Enjoyable, mysterious, classy, confusing, understandable, not legible. I have reached a crossroads, and I get to choose which way I will go.

school never dies.

School: by definition is never over, never gives up, always has something to say to you, and follows you around like a pesky mosquito wanting a bite of your flesh.

In counting, camp produced 66 mosquito bites just on my two legs. I did not dare even explore the rest of my poor body for fear of the number system running out of numbers with which to label my lovely swollen polka dots. So, I decided since we are obviously good friends, I should refer to them with a much more endearing term than "those dang nasty bug bites that itch so much I just want to put myself through a paper shredder". Polka dots work.

Back to school. I have just embarked upon the AP summer reading list. Although, I love to read, history in particular, American history is not the most interesting. I found the most interesting book that I could about an epic rescue mission of POWs during WWII. Sounds interesting...all 600 pages of it. Furthermore, a report sounded even more enticing to my mystery teacher. Luckily for my literature-hungry self, a few good books are in the running for my AP Literature summer musings. quite good, quite good.

Whatever, as long as I am not doing Algebra, Trigonometry, or PreCalculus, I shall not complain.

Life has been good to me these fast few weeks. Although some rough patches have come up I am finding sleeping late, friends forever, pools, lakes, tans, and super (unstressed) family nights more enjoyable than normal.

Today was my parents anniversary. It was so cute, and the letters that they wrote each other were so romantic. Not necessarily a novel, but incredibly endearing. Something about a stable relationship between one's parents causes the individual to be more confident in themselves. I am finding this confidence quite enjoyable. So, Dad cooked Mom a wonderful dinner with state-of-the-art ribs and the most colorful assortment of grilled peppers and vegetables I have ever seen. Most nights, my parents double-team it and cook a fabulous dinner. Tonight seemed more delectable than usual; probably because of the romanticesque day.

After dinner, to "continue" their romantic night, which happened to include me, they decided to embark on exercise. I mean, why break schedule for a special day? My mom and my dad go bike riding together about three nights a week, which is pretty good considering they both have full time jobs and two children. It was quite refreshing. They have found a wonderful park with a trail that goes for miles. We only rode about ten miles and decided to go home.

mmhm. Key Lime Pie came next. Normally, I cook desserts, and this pie would not normally be of my choosing, so trying something new was a delightful change.

These past few days have been filled with very few phone calls and text messages. This upset me at first, but I have come to enjoy my family more than usual these past few days, and a break from friends for a while is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I can breathe now. I feel recharged, refreshed, and ready to start responding to my school work.

Goodnight, world.
Goodnight, invisible friends with absent opinions.
its alright.
Dream well. its summer.

quite frankly,

I think that as a general rule of thumb people blog whenever the feel the need to express their emotions, opinions, and thoughts. Currently, I don't necessarily have the creative inclination inside of me or any certain thought I feel the need to share. Actually, have no desire to be on the computer at all right now. I think I am bored and quite confused with life, and decided to turn to here for a change. I know that all of this cyber-journaling is not going to change anything, but instead give me written affirmation that what I am feeling is true and justifiable.

Today's theme comes from both the Bible and one of the most brilliant poetic minds in the seventeenth century: Love.

As Sir Walter Raleigh put it so well,

"Love is work on holiday, love is December matched with May."

As I grow more and more and experience more circumstances this crazy world produces I realize how much truth really is spoken in those words. It's all bittersweet.

The Bible puts it in different words, but as one experiences love as described by the New Testament, Sir Raleigh's poem comes to life.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps not record of wrongs. Love does not deligh in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Loving is harder than I ever expected, and I am not necessarily just referring to the romantic kind of love. Although, our world is romantic at heart. I know that I am slowly learning what it means to love and to be loved purely. It is an interesting road to travel, but one that is necessary. I know that I am not alone, and that is comforting.

delenda

Welcome.

[Refer to title] - In the end, I believe that this blog comes down to things to be deleted; blotted out from cyberspace but still exist in my mind. The truths that are found and instilled within ones' memory are much more reliable than the precarious state of this site. However, as a way to vent to...mostly myself, I have created this site on a whim. It was a serendipitous moment when I decided to make my thoughts available for the surrounding population to experience; whether people actually choose to engage with them or not.


Currently in my life I am experimenting with the idea of hope. In this world, hope varies. Whether it is in...
1. no hope
2. little hope
3. false hope
4. dynamic hope
5. unreliable hope
...people believe in hope. The degree is different, yet it still exists.



Personally, I have huge hope for the present and for the future. Although, I have hope in many things, I have found to have hope for just a future; a future fit to have an article placed in front of it. Believing in a personalized future that is better than my current dreams is sometimes hard to completely believe. I know it exists, but surrendering full control and influence over it is a wrestling point for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD.
Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you; plans for hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

So far my dreams have taken me places I never knew that I could even go. I find the purest joy and the purest thoughts within these dreams. They take me through life, and through them I have learned that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. This is a good place to be at in my life; very bittersweet. Hopes that I want to hold onto I should let go of, and those dreams that I want to let go of I should hold onto.

Good night world, hopeful world.
I hope that you dream well.
Enjoy the summer weather for me tomorrow.

-till next time,
Chelsea Renee