today. 10.4.08

It is almost exactly this time of year, every single year that I wish I was travelling to this place. (reference picture a la derecha.) Right now, I want to be there. This place seems full of magic and enchantment during all seasons, but autumn brings special appeal of life and breadth. What is this place I talk about so fondly? Pennsylvania. I don't know why, but I have a specific drawing to that state to which I have never actually travelled. Yes, I want to travel the world and visit every state and speak more than one language, but today, I want to live in Pennsylvania. Today, I want to experience the golden and orange leaves and feel the crispness of fall air.

This fall season always gives me the feeling of accomplishment, inspiration, motivation, devotion, movement. This morning, I felt moved. I am enchanted by the colors and the temperature of the air outside. I just love fall. Let me tell you why:

1. Football
2. Carving Pumpkins
3. Corn Mazes
4. The beginning of Christmas decorations in stores
5. the colors of the leaves
6. Jumping in piles of leaves
7. weather suitable for all types of clothes (i.e. shorts, jackets, long sleeved t-shirts, flip flops, jeans)
8. Thanksgiving
9. crisp, dry air
10. perfect time of year for windows down in the car
11. perfect weather for windows up in the house
12. the bugs (specifically mosquitoes) are disappearing
13. I bet Berry looks beautiful right about now
14. A Holiday schmorgusborg coming up
15. joy!
16. the desire to be outside constantly
17. bonfires
18. cookouts
19. coffee mornings
20. hot chocolate nights
21. corn mazes
22. growth
23. chili dinner nights
24. parties
25. finalizing plans
26. Classical in the morning, dance in early afternoon, country in the late afternoon, and jazz at night
27. The Office! and all the other great seasons just starting
28. anticipation
29. Halloween
30. Christmas Shopping
31. scarves
32. the perfect placement and shade of the sun all day long making the whole earth seem to radiate
33. and this year...the collegiate feeling approaching!
34. and so, so, so much more!

06.08.08. perseverance

I was uploading all my pictures into a new program when I found this picture saved on my computer. It caught my attention. To me, the reasons why seem obvious, but the more that I think about it, the more that I realize all the reasons, even to me, may be partially hidden.

Perseverance is something that keeps going, never gives up, forever runs, always climbs. This picture says, "The difference between a successful person and other is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will."

I like that. I like what it says, what it speaks, and I like how it says it. I like the picture, too. It says something too me in the deep parts of my heart. It's something that can't be described through words, but more something acquired by simply looking.

Our camp verse last summer was found in Hebrews chapter 12 verse 11. It says:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

That verse continually reminds me of what certain things "require" and all the things that I cannot be. Perseverance, I have realized, is not made of the continual pressing on towards a goal, but more pressing towards God, letting him grow with me, and letting him constitute all the areas in which I fall short. Perseverance is continually trusting God for the things that I cannot do on my own.

The dictionary defined the word "perseverance" as steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement or continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation. Those definitions grasp everything that I feel I am trying to describe. In the end though, it is always the thesaurus that grabs my attention and makes me realizes different things that I wouldn't have noticed otherwise. It's like a scavenger hunt.

On that note: perseverance, continuance, dedication, determination, diligence, drive, endurance, grit, insistence, patience, persistence, resolution, spunk, stamina, steadfastness, tenacity.

...I am for once at a loss for words. I really have no closing statement. It all makes sense and is resolved in my mind, but these thoughts don't seem like they can come alive through typing words on a document. Think through it.

06.01.08

welcome summer.

today, I messed with the word "fellowship".
today, I looked at a calendar.
it included an excerpt from the Purpose Driven life that said, "Experiencing life together. The word fellowship has lost most of its biblical meaning. "Fellowship" now usually refers to casual conversation, socializing, food, and fun...Real fellowship is experiencing life together."

today, I wonder what my "fellowship calendar", so to speak, looks like. Yes, I spend good, great, fun time with friends and family, but did I really engage life? Did I make my friends a deep part of my life? Did I let them into my heart, and did I search for theirs?

life is tough. to state the obvious, not all parts of life are easy, and there are just some of those "phases" or "seasons", as the are so commonly referred to. But, do I change the way I live despite circumstances/seasons/the weather? Am I supposed to?

On vacation (of all the places...), I wrote in my journal, a lot. But one thing in specific.
"...I am a world-shaker. I cover distances. I am here for the long haul...My God is eternal. He is not full of sinful temporaries. He gives me infinity, and beyond."

There are something about words that are written without the intention of public viewing that are inexpressibly brilliant. No, no, no. My words are not brilliant, they aren't anything special, but the intent of them was so purely to try and describe how upside-down, inverted, and shaken my world is; this is a good thing. For me, it is impossible to get bored with life, situations, yes, but not life. Life is full of curve balls.

As I watch people, I realize the people that I consider world-shakers in my life fully encompass fellowship in all possible directions. They know people. They chase people. They are real people. World-shakers live among me, who woulda thought?! The more I thought, the more that I am now realizing the characteristic of theirs I want to emulate.

I love being around people who when I talk to them, I feel as if I am the center of the universe: I have their full attention and every fiber in their body, even if they aren't really interested in what I am saying. I know one woman in particular, an exceptional lady, who I would love to be able to become something like her in my later years, or even now. Daisy. I love this woman; she genuinely cares about me and what is going on in my life; I am important to her.

"Please Interrupt"
Sometimes I feel like an interruption,
and then I want to shrink back into my shell
and never come out again
I want to walk away and say,
"sorry for wasting your time".

Being an interruption hurts.
It tells me
something is more important than I am.
It tells me
you are looking,
but don't see me.
It tells me
you are listening
but don't hear me.
And so I move along.

But, God says
"Don't hurry away.
Stick around.
Tell me how it is with you.
Tell me what you're feeling right this minute.
Tell me why you feel that way.
I want to know you.
I care about you.
Tell me what I can do for you."

And, I go away feeling I was glad that I called.

-Ruth Senter

5.15.08

And that's what i think about that.

(This is an excerpt from one of my favorite, most marking books, Guerrillas of Grace by Ted Loder. He rights "prayers for the battlefield" in poem format. So, these are his words, not his spacing or his format, but it really is the words that matter. I will try my best to reproduce it similarly.)

"Grant Me Your Sense of Timing"

"O God of all seasons and sense,
grant me your sense of timing
to submit gracefully
and rejoice quietly
in the turn of the seasons.

In this season of short days and long nights,
of grey and white and cold,
teach me the lessons of waiting:
of the snow joining the mystery
of the hunkered-down seeds
growing in their sleep
watched over by gnarled-limbed, grandparent trees
resting from autumn's staggering energy;
of the silent, whirling earth
circling to race back home to the sun.
O God, grant me your sense of timing.

In this season of short days and long nights,
of grey and white and cold,
teach me the lessons of endings:
children growing,
friends leaving,
jobs concluding,
stages finishing,
grieving over,
grudges over,
blaming over,
excuses over.
O God, grant me your sense of timing.

In this season of short days and long nights,
of grey and white and cold,
teach me the lessons of beginnings:
that such waitings and endings
may be a starting place,
a planting of seeds
which to bring birth
what is ready to be born-
something right and just and different,
a new song.
a deeper relationship,
a fuller love-
in the fullness of your time.
O God, grant me your sense of timing."


So, those are the thoughts that I have right now, as it seems like every possible place in my life is either closing or opening. The openings seem exhilarating, and the closing are so sad, but I don't think I view them all as equal opportunities. I let yesterday or tomorrow or current feelings and temporary moments get in the way of "now".

I am working.
I am mending,
and bending,
and breaking,
and tearing,
and fixing,
and building,
and growing,
and repairing,
and repeating,
and reaping,
and healing,
and patching.
and chiseling,
and reducing,
and improving,
and redefining.

The phrase "dying to yourself everyday" has become a much more active and (almost, but not) ritualistic part of my day. This season is revealing, more than anything, parts of me that I don't like and parts of me that need to be changed. "There is a time for every activity under heaven" -Ecclesiastes something: something. (I think it is chapter 8...maybe.)

I am more selfish and independent and stubborn and grounded than I thought I was.

Everything
is
opening
and closing.

4.27.08: worthwhile.

"And I would give the world to tell your story..."

I saw that quote on someone else's blog and it absolutely captured my heart. It speaks multitudes when someone is willing to dedicate their life to one cause. It goes against everything in the human nature and the "never put all your eggs in one basket" or "don't spend all your money in one place" mentality that our parents have instilled inside of us.

There is something bigger. There has to be.

Although I knew the answer to this question in my soul and mind, I still had to wonder what was worth giving a life for? Recently I have come in contact with many people's stories, which tell a tale of a person giving their life to a specific cause. I was reading TIME this afternoon and there was an article on Bono and his life philanthropy for the cure for cancer and other fatal diseases. I (by obligation) attended a "safe driving seminar" where I met a "teen driving activist". And I couldn't escape the thought in my mind that he is dedicating his time, his thoughts, his failures, and his successes to improving the safety of roads.

I mean, it's a good cause, but I know I am not passionate enough about automobiles to dedicate all of that to them. Then a song came on that captured my thoughts. "The King of Glory rescued me."

Okay, obvious Christian principle that I have grown up around and raised up into. Yes, I own my faith, but it was in that critical moment that I realized the magnitude of that statement.

The King of Glory rescued me.

The King of Glory rescued me.

The King of Glory rescued me.

Yes, yes He did. Why? Because He dedicated His life cause to me. He dedicated his time, His thoughts, His failures, and His successes to rescuing me. There is something about that extraordinary thought that is portrayed in churches every Sunday and Wednesday, that's the Gospel at it's finest. But, it was just then that I realized how important life dedication is.

At this point, I come to question my own.

"Who am I that you are mindful of me?"

Who will I dedicate my life to be mindful of?

time to: revaluate.

Worship is a direct effect of humility and coming under the wing and authority of Jesus Christ. Therefore living a life full of humility and being a reflection of the Lord's characteristics is truly living a life of worship. Seeking to give Him glory in everything that we do also enhances how reverent our lifestyle is. The reference to worship as a posture is a physical act, a spiritual act, a mental act, and an emotional act. The components of our everyday life are directly proportional to how much God's love is running through our veins and overflowing in our hearts. Posture (worship) is a physical act by dying to yourself each and everyday and physically showing God that He is the Supreme, the Father of Lights, the King of King and Lord of Lords. It is a mental act because we heed our thought processes to Him daily. He should take captive our thoughts and completely embody what we meditate upon (Psalm 19:14). It is a spiritual act because it forces us to recognize God as the Provider, Supplier, and completely trust Him to daily be our Provision. Acknowledging the direction of God's spirit and following the story of Levi by completely abandoning all of our expectations and dreams for our own life and bowing down to God's desires and plan display' how one of Jesus' disciples that accomplished many things with the Lord by his side engaged in a continual act of worship from the time that Jesus called his name. (Luke 5:27). Worship and posture are an emotional experience because true worship naturally causes a human to be in absolute, unmistaken awe of the Lord. The inclination of John 3:30, "He must become greater, I must become less." becomes more relevant to one's life the more one chases God's heart in worship. When true worship is lived not just through music, within a moment alone, seeing God's mystifying creation, nor loving people; it is a combination of all of these things and realizing whose name is truly capitalized and who life was created to be lived for. God created us for a purpose. His only desire is to see His children continually worship Him with the breath He provides them with, the sin He rescues them from, and the life He restores in them.

twelve.

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part: so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me, like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine by being my friend...

("For Good" Wicked - The Original Broadway Cast)